Confirmation

I told you a couple months back about visiting Saint Francis to look through the girls' medical records in hopes of finding information to help us get approved for new insurance. Also, as part of this process, I wrote a letter to Cadie's neurologist, Dr. Benner, asking him to draft a letter explaining that Cadie no long has hydrocephalus. Cadie was released from his care back in July of 2007. I can remember how relieved we were to never have to see him again. Not because of him personally; he's an excellent neurologist and surgeon. He gave Cadie the potential for a future without "hardware" by performing a fairly new surgery. We were relieved at the possibility of never having to see him again because it would be a testament to Cadie's good health. When we left, though, neither Jeff nor I was brave enough to ask the question I'm sure we both were thinking of. If Cadie is released from your care, does that mean she no longer has the potential for hydrocephalus or any other future neurological problems? We'd already been through so much with the girls, we just didn't have the strength to face another worry, so we did what any parent does in our position who wants to keep their sanity: we shoved the concern deep down in the back of our minds and hoped never to have to think of it again. When it came time to get new insurance, though, we were forced to face that concern.


I'm not one to go down without a fight, so when the girls were rejected for coverage, I made it my mission to fight back with everything I had. In my letter to Dr. Benner I explained that it was our understanding that Cadie had completely recovered and was not at risk for any future problems. I clarified, though, that we had no intentions of asking him to write a letter stating so if it wasn't the truth. At least a month passed without a word, so I assumed he was too busy or not interested in responding. Finally, though, last week we received a letter. Jeff and I opened it together, anxious and scared to read what it said, more for fear of hearing what we didn't want to hear than not being able to qualify for different health insurance.

The first paragraph summarized Cadie's treatment upon birth and Dr. Benner's assessment during her hospital stay and subsequent VAD surgery. The second paragraph detailed Cadie's follow-up's with Dr. Benner and multiple CT scans as well as their results.

Finally, that last paragraph answered our question, the one we've silently feared.

"It is felt at this time that she (Cadie) had a transient hydrocephalus from her intraventricular hemorrhage, which has cleared. She is not at any risk for redevelopment of hydrocephalus or other associated neurologic problems."

After reading that final sentence, I looked up at Jeff, tears in his eyes, and I knew he felt the same relief that I felt. It's normal for parents to worry for their children, but at least now we can worry about the everyday things instead. Even if this letter doesn't help our application to be approved, I'm so glad that we tried again because this situation forced us to face a fear. And, praise God, it's the answer we wanted!

Are You There, God? It's Me, Cadie.

Cadie has always been a good sleeper. When she was a baby, hers was not the crib I was planted next to, constantly reassuring that I was there and that sleep was, in fact, imminent. That was Madeline. As she's grown, Cadie has always been a good napper, somehow managing to fall asleep despite her sister lying in the next bed, talking to her hands, singing songs, and doing everything imaginable to keep from falling asleep. She never even gave us trouble at bedtime. A few months back, though, that all changed.

It began innocently enough during our bedtime ritual when Cadie requested that we leave the closet door cracked, allowing the light to spill into their room. Then, the door to their bedroom had to be left open a certain amount or hysterical cries would ensue. The fear seemed to escalate every night. Jeff and I did everything in our power to soothe her. I knew, though, that we weren't dealing with silly childhood fears when one night I could see the inconsolable fear in her eyes. She was genuinely scared and nothing I tried could soothe her.

That night, Cadie confessed she was worried about someone coming in to her room. I assured her over and over that she was safe in her room, no one was trying to come in, and that Mommy and Daddy would never let anyone hurt her. It consoled her for a few seconds, but soon the tears and cries of fear erupted once again. The severity varied, but it all culminated one night when she simply could not be consoled. I sat with her; Jeff sat with her; I turned her closet light on; we brought her into our bed; we put her back in bed; we brought her back to our bed; and it went on and on. I tried to be patient, but after 3+ hours of being up with her in the middle of the night, my patience and sympathy were wearing thin. What eventually consoled her? Strangely enough, she asked to sleep with her jacket. That's right. Her jacket. As weary and sleep-deprived as I was, I didn't ask. She curled up with that jacket, and after slightly opening her eyes a couple of times to reassure herself that no one was coming to get her, she finally dozed off to sleep.

For the next few months, similar problems crept up here and there, but none quite as dramatic as that first time. She developed a fear of bugs invading her room. It's a fear I haven't been able to quite figure out as Cadie is an animal lover, insects included. During the comfort of day, Cadie's never met a bug she didn't like (except spiders...Mommy's taught her to get those nasty spiders). But something about her bedroom at night releases a newfound phobia of bugs. I've assured her over and over that there are no bugs in her room. She claims to see them, though I see no phantom bugs anywhere. Usually, as long as I assure her over and over that there are, in fact, no bugs in her room, she eventually nods off to sleep and is restful the rest of the night.

Last night, as part of our bedtime routine, we flipped to August 16th in their "Devotions for Preschoolers" book to read the day's devotion and Bible verse. It read:

"Look at the animals sleeping. What do you suppose they are thinking about? What do you think about at night when it's dark? Do you try to remember that God is right there with you? At night, when the lights go out, you can think about God. You can imagine him in heaven looking down at you while you are sleeping your bed. Thinking about God will help you feel peaceful and safe. Then you can have happy dreams!"

I never know what the day's devotion will bring, but I saw this as the perfect opportunity to address Cadie's fears, especially when I noticed her beginning to tear up as I read through the paragraph. I did my best to explain to her that when she is scared at night, she can think about God up in heaven and ask Him to make her feel safe and protected. She looked at me a tad puzzled and asked why God was in heaven. I explained to her that God is up in heaven so He can watch over us. She looked up to the ceiling, then asked where heaven was. I described heaven as a place up in the sky, far above the clouds, above where birds and planes fly, where Jesus sits at God's right hand side, watching over us. She accepted that then asked when she would get to go to heaven. I paused, trying to think of a delicate way to explain. Before I could even begin my explanation, though, she answered herself. She said, "Do you go to heaven when you fall asleep and decide not to wake up again?" I froze in shock, then glanced over at Jeff, a questioned look on my face, I'm sure. We've never broached the subject of death with the girls. It hasn't been necessary so far, and I was worried that it would only give Cadie more nightmares. I'm not sure where she got her explanation, but I was impressed with it's reasonable maturity for her age. Part of me was relieved that she seems to have a fair understanding of death, and one that doesn't appear to include fear. It's difficult trying to explain non-tangibles like death and heaven, but Cadie seems to have an appropriate grasp, at least for her age. I still haven't figured out exactly how I feel about the moment, but I know it was a special one. I don't know that I'll ever forget looking at her tear-stained face, fresh tears of my own silently gliding down my cheeks, and holding her close to me, doing my best to explain the merciful love of God.

In so many ways, Cadie is mature beyond her years. She's the first to give up her toy to avoid the fight she knows will soon follow. She's the sensitive little girl who cries at the end of Bolt, worried that the rescuers won't save Penny and Bolt in time. She's happy to share her food/toy/love with anyone who's willing to accept. She's the one who has always taken prayers so seriously because she knows she's talking to God. My mom always described me as an old soul as a child, and I can't help but see a lot of that in Cadie.

A Fish Tale

For pretty much the entire summer, my dad has called every weekend to invite Jeff fishing. Due to his current working situation, I haven't been willing to give up any of our time together during the weekend. So, Dad finally got smart and had Lydia, my step-mom, call and invite Jeff to go fishing with Dad first thing in the morning, then the girls, Lydia, and I would meet up with them for lunch and some fun on the boat. Finally, I agreed.

We met up with Daddy and Poppy around noon for some sandwiches, chips and dip, and fresh cantaloupe. The girls were anxious to test out their fishing poles, so we headed to the dock for some "fishing".

One of my favorite stories from my childhood is of a visit we took to see my dad's parents in Texas. I don't remember many of the details, but I do know it involved me fishing for the first time and my Papa Don rigging my fishing pole with a previously caught fish. Just listening to both my dad and Papa Don tell the story, the smiles on their faces, I know it was a special moment. I wanted to recreate something similar for the girls, so I asked Poppy and Daddy to save a fish from their morning fishing trip. Luckily, they caught one that was just the right size. Jeff fixed the girls' fishing poles with loops (I don't know the terminology) rather than hooks, so the fish didn't have a chance at escaping. Then, while Grana, Poppy, and I distracted them. Jeff rigged Cadie's fishing pole with the fish, then later did the same for Maddie. The look on Cadie's face was of complete shock, then utter joy. She's an animal lover, so of course she wanted to kiss the fish. Once Cadie had caught one, Maddie was beside herself with anticipation. Her reaction was equally priceless. They were both so proud!

On our previous trip to Greenleaf --our first camping trip-- the girls were dying to go out on the boat, but the weather wasn't suitable. This time around, I knew we better get the girls on that boat or we would be in trouble. After our fishing excitement, we decided to take the girls on their first boat ride. Life vests on, we hoped in the boat and took off. Their reactions were mixed. It was easy to see that they loved being out on the water and the freedom of zipping across the lake, but I think they were a little wary of the speed. Cadie kept shouting, "Daddy, I want you to go low, not fast!" We weren't out long, but I think the girls enjoyed it all the same.

Before the day was over, we decided to take one last spin around the lake, all of us. The girls seemed a little more relaxed --now being veteran riders and all-- but Cadie continued to demand that Poppy slow down. We slowed down enough to give the girls a chance to cool their feet in the lake. Cadie would have sat their all day, but it was getting late, so we headed back in. We capped the day off with some yummy orange push-up pops, then headed back home, a day of fun and sun behind us.